Bully behavior from CMs

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Bully behavior from CMs

Hi, I've had a great time at Disneyworld for the most part. When I went on Star Tours, instead of being helped when I couldn't buckle my belt, the CM said "It's not like people aren't waiting." getting everyone to stare at me, as if I was holding people up on purpose. I reported this, and Disney said it should not have happened. Then last night, this old woman CM was screaming like a banshee for people to move along during a parade. I ended up having to yell " YOU WILL NOT BULLY ME!" at her. She was following me around as other people, screaming they need to move.

I understand CMs can get frustrated, but they seem to feel they can take this out on adults who supposedly should be able to handle it. It's abuse of authority to create a situation where a person is singled out for something beyond their control, like a belt not working. Or to stalk someone for not moving along. It would seem Disney isn't very good at explaining to CMs the difference between being authoritative, and being a bully. If you ask people nicely to move along they will. If you trigger their flight or fight response in a crowd, you are creating a situation that could result in panic. I think it seems some CMs in the minority, can only follow the rules, and do not have the flexibility to understand things, like if someone is watching the parade out of people's way, they don't need to move. I would've moved if asked nicely, I'm not going to accept a harpy of a CM yelling and stalking people, as well as terrifying children, because they are incompetent.

I do try to respect the CMs, but you would think that if someone has a special pass, as I was wearing that might be a sign that person has an invisible disability. I have Asperger's Syndrome, meaning I'm more sensitive to my fight or flight response. I wonder if some frustrated CMs see the pass, and think that means a person is more vulnerable, and a good opportunity for bullying. Maybe they think nothing is wrong with me, and they'll teach me for having an entitlement. I honestly don't know, but the majority of CMs are fantastic.

I just wish they would understand many people have been bullied, and that leads to PTSD. That being aggressive might make that person panic, become upset, or become aggressive. If you want to control a crowd, I would think it would priority to avoid said feelings in park goers. My mom said before I took anti-depressants that these incidents would upset me so much, I'd have to leave the park. I don't think bullying should be associated with CMs by adults and children. I believe it is possible to control a crowd, without screaming and chasing after people, making people panic, or parents walk off with terrified children. I also believe it shouldn't be asking so much, that a person can enjoy Disneyworld, without having to experiencing past truama related to bullying.

There is a difference between being authoritative, and being a bully. CMs should be able to understand the difference. They should be willing to help, not create a situation that could lead to emotional harm. I want to just state again, I do respect CMs, and most of them are great. Those few who feel they can go on a power trip, need to be reigned in however

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So sorry you've had to put up with bullying by cast members. I agree, it shouldn't happen, and you did the right thing to report it when it did. And kudos to you for maintaining your composure during a stressful situation.

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Thank you for understanding. I keep tending to blame myself, probably just to feel a sense of control. I always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, or overreacting in these situations. I think if Disney wants to keep their reputation of being a safe place for those with special needs, they need to teach their CMs not to provoke special needs people into meltdowns. I'm not asking for everyone with special needs to be treated with kid gloves. It's better for everyone, that they don't create a frightening situation. Maybe I should e-mail Disney about this. There still is the stereotype that only children are on the Autism Spectrum, or that the adults who are can handle themselves.

One of the reasons I posted this here is CMs think they can get by with certain behavior towards adults, that they can't towards children. Maybe part of it is the notion that adults shouldn't be able to enjoy a park aimed at children, if they don't treat every child like gold. This is more true for childless women, who are supposed to be the go to for all parents, like if you're female and don't looooovvveee kids you must be a freak. I don't hate kids, I hate bad parenting. I also think I should be able to visit Disney parks, without feeling I have to gush over every little darling, just to avoid bullying for not conforming to the stereotype. Honestly, this is because maybe the CM heard or saw me talking negatively about kids, and wanted to teach me how it feels to be glared at.

I don't want to act like a bully, I also don't want to be torn into because I happened to be in the area where a unsupervised kid was hurt. I have an experience of being bullied by parents, for asking them to try and quiet their child down politely. I have been told if I don't like it I should stay at home. I think all of us feel when being an adult at Disney, we have to walk on eggshells not to offend a child or parents. If we make a wrong look at a kid, then a CM assumes we're a bully. Never occurs, we have to behave defensively to see that parents don't behave offensively to us. If the child is gone after being glared at, isn't that better then a parent attacking a total stranger, because something happened to their darling in their area.

I'm just tired of feeling bullied by parents, as are many people asking for child free spaces. Adults should be able to enjoy Disneyworld, without fearing the same kind of self righteous "I'm going to teach you to look at children with anything but a smile!" retaliation one would expect of an entitled parent these days. I'm tired of being bullied as if being a childless adult, I should know to stay home and never participate in childed society, until I have a child. This is why children are born to less than ideal parents, because our society has relegated those without children, particularly women, as second class. I don't know what to do anymore. Guess I should give up on the hope of doing right by others, because no matter what I do someone will find wrong in it. I just wish Disney could learn to respect their adult childless visitors, as much as they respect the childed ones.

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Kristen K. wrote:
"I wonder if some frustrated CMs see the pass, and think that means a person is more vulnerable, and a good opportunity for bullying."

Do you really believe this? I have a hard time thinking that there are cast members in the parks stalking disabled guests and pushing them around. I understand your frustration, but... do you really believe that? Sad

I don't know what to believe, I guess I'm just trying to understand why this keeps happening to me. I must be doing something wrong. sad It is well known, that bullies do seek out those that are more vulnerable to their hurtful behavior. I also said repeatedly in my first post the majority of CMs are not bullies. If a cast member had an anxiety problem, and couldn't manage crowd control, with the thousands of people Disney employs, surely they could find someone more competent for the job.

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Everyone has issues, things they don't deal with as well as other people do. Even people with no disabilities or conditions whatsoever. Most folks, if a stressed-out cast member barks at them to move along, will roll their eyes, move along, and forget about it. You can't do that. But I'm sure there are other things you do much better than most people do.

My husband, who's bipolar, had an incident at the Magic Kingdom a year ago. He was standing in the gift shop near Splash Mountain, minding his own business, when an out-of-control child ran by, stepped on his foot, and fell down crying. And the brat's idiot mother glared at my husband as if he were a child molestor. Hubby has mood issues, remember, so this really set him off and ruined the rest of his day. Other people might have glared back and told the mother exactly what had happened, but he was so flustered he couldn't. I get the feeling that even though your conditions are different, you and he react similarly to this kind of situation.

Certainly there are bullies of all ages all over the world. But I think at Disney World, a surly cast member is probably a normally pleasant person who's having a bad day, or has a headache, or is stressed out for reasons that have nothing to do with you. I don't think habitual bullies would last very long at the Happiest Place on Earth. So try to remember, first of all, that it's probably not about you. It's just that person having a crappy day. Continue to report inappropriate behavior so if there are any real bullies, they'll be weeded out quickly. Maybe try rehearsing responses to use when you're flustered by someone's rudeness - for example, if you're having trouble with something and a CM is sarcastic instead of helpful, say, "I'm sorry, but I'm having difficulty with this. Perhaps you could help me?" That takes the focus off you and puts it squarely on the bad behavior of the CM who treated you rudely. Find "safe" places where you can sit a while and de-stress. There are out-of-the-way benches in quiet corners of all the parks. And if you're not travelling alone, enlist your travelling companions to stand up for you when you can't.

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I've traveled to Disney many times as a childless couple and never experienced anything like this. I'm not saying what you are experiencing isn't valid..I've just never seen that so I think it's unfair to say that childless adults are treated differently.

I'm a teacher and the one thing I have learned is that you can never tell a parent that their child is doing wrong..they ultimately get defensive. I have a son now and he has been known to throw quiet a tantrum in the middle of Target that shook the walls. It's a high stress moment and I consider myself pretty calm and collected when it comes to parenting..but you can be sure that if someone said something to me about my parenting I would probably snap at them as well in that moment. It's not an excuse for that behavior but perhaps that can help explain the "if you don't like it leave.." comments that you've been receiving.

As far as CM bullying you did do the right thing..just report it to management...comments like that shouldn't be said to adults or children.

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*shrugs* Guess with all the constant focus on how parents are constantly under stress, seems like the feelings of those without kids don't matter. I thought since this was a site for adults traveling to Disneyworld without kids you would understand. I have learned something, I shouldn't worry so much what parents think of me, because for many of them an adult without children can never do right.

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Yes I have Asperger's Syndrome. No, I do not fall in the romanticized stereotype of people with Asperger's Syndrome. I don't "live in my own world." and it seems more NTs find it hard to understand how to behave than those who are Neurodiverse. Sorry if this seems like an attack or something, it comes off as infantilizing sometimes, to hear you must think the world is a strange and mysterious place. Like those with Neurodiversity are "forever children" unable to understand the adult world.

I understand I'm not that unusual, I'm just unusual enough to be an annoyance to entitled parents, who tend to seem shocked that their baby's cries can hurt other people's ears. I also don't know where you got the idea I thought you were all meanies. It's just my personal experience, that when parents are told anything less than sparkling praise for themselves and their children, that they tend to act very defensive. Turning a situation that could be easily resolved by an apology, into one of confrontation. If you dislike my viewing the world as it is, I'll leave. I just find it hard regardless of my Asperger's Syndrome, to find how to communicate with parents. It's almost as if having a child, changes your brain into a neurodiverse state.

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I apologize for the misunderstanding. You should visit Aspies For Freedom, they're a site that doesn't believe those on the Autism Spectrum need to be cured. Where as Wrongplanet once believed that, but sold out to Autism Speaks. As far as my views, not all people on the Autism Spectrum are the same and have the same views. I don't feel like I was born on the wrong planet, I guess I'm more of a realist than most. I do feel that respect is a two way street, and that many parents forget that. Of course, as I should've predicted it's all about how I need to change, as parents are doing their best and I have no idea how hard it is to carry a crying child to the washroom or outside the restaurant until it calms down. Just as you don't understand how hard it is to function in a society that says, if you are bothered by a screaming child in public, you should leave.

Here's the thing most parents don't understand when it comes to sensory sensitivity. It was not a choice to have it. In many cases parents choose to have children. It's very frustrating living in a society that has more concern for those who had made the decision to have children, but complain when their child cries that they have to try to quiet it or remove it. I had no choice when it came to being born with sound sensitivity. I am told I should wear earplugs 24/7, because it's too much to expect that people could understand that people can experience pain differently. It is very difficult living in a child centric society, with a condition that causes you pain when a child is loud, since it's expected that you ignore it, or you'll be talked down to. I guess with more awareness things will change.

As far as my choosing to go to Disneyworld where I knew there would be children, I knew what to expect from parents. I didn't expect CMs to not have the knowledge that acting aggressively in a crowd situation might cause panic in some people. It seems the majority of parents who go to Disneyworld know how to behave their kids. They know what a pacifier is, and how to use it. A skill that many parents where I live seem to have forgotten.

So all in all, what I'm saying is I'm tired of being told I must change, because many parents feel they're above everyone else and shouldn't have to. They demand everyone must understand them, and if they run into a person like me, all they need to do is confirm I'm not a parent, so they can swiftly ignore me. To many parents it seems to be a you're with us, or against us black and white thinking. If you're not a parent, your feelings don't matter. This is why I feel there is no talking to parents as a childless adult. I'm told, "Oh, you don't have a child." in a way that suggests if you're without children you don't matter. I don't feel I'm on the wrong planet, just that I happen to live in a country, that says parents matter more than everyone else. If you don't understand that, or have a condition that might cause parents to have to put a bit more effort forward, you must change.

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Here's my 2 cents, and I have been heavily debating whether or not to even get into this discussion, but feel I need to at least say my peace.

While I agree with your first encounter, that CM should not had done that, and you did the correct thing by reporting it. I think everyone here agree with that. That CM probably had a bad day and more than likely you were not alone in that day. That CM probably vented to more people than we probably think. Its just a matter of how many of the people who got vented on reported it, and you did the right thing.

Now... the second instance with the parade is where I disagree. There trying to make things safe and get people out of the way. The whole show is time synchronized and they only have so much time to get the parade done and through. Our last trip... my daughter was getting a bit too excited and got out just a couple inches to far... and I mean inches, not feet... and one of the dancers came up to us and told us to get her back. She didn't do it nicely, but she also didn't do it forcefully. She has a job to do, and she didnt want to be responsible for knocking her down. I totally understand that. I think we forget that yeah... we may be watching, but they are performing and they need to be able to perform there job without having to worry about the crowd.

Thats just my 2 cents.

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Violet, I hear you on the parental entitlement thing. We don't have kids, either, and I've noticed that some parents seem to think their needs or desires and those of their children are more important than anything else in the world. They run over your feet with their strollers, push past you as if you aren't there, ignore their children's screaming and misbehavior, or as I mentioned before, treat an innocent bystander as if he were a criminal when their kid tramples on the bystander's feet, trips, and starts crying. I don't mind kids acting like kids at Disney World, but when they start acting up or screaming, I expect parents to deal with the situation. Most do, some don't.

I'm not saying that you or I should change because some parents feel they and their kids are more important than anyone else. But we do need to accept the reality that these people exist and they aren't likely to change anytime soon. And it's not just parents. There are obnoxious, self-absorbed people everywhere - drivers who cut you off in traffic, or people who cut in line, or people who talk in a movie theater, or tall people who sit in front of short people at the movies or stand in front of them at a parade without any concern that they're blocking the short people's view. Jackasses come in all shapes, sizes, and parental statuses. And it's an unfortunate inevitability that we all run into them from time to time. For your own sake, perhaps you should find ways to cope. Not because there's anything wrong with you and certainly not because you have any obligation to defer to obnoxious parents, but simply to make your own life a little easier. (And btw, I agree with you that the neurodiverse don't need to be cured. But we all - neurotypical and neurodiverse - need to find our own way to adapt to the craziness of life.)

On the brighter side, these spoiled, indulged, undisciplined children will soon become out-of-control, self-absorbed teenagers who make their parents' lives miserable. Payback!

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Thanks for understanding crazycatperson. You have no idea how many forums I was thrown off, just for not constantly praising parents. I understand it's not always easy being a parent, but when you have a sensory defensiveness to sound, few people are willing to acknowledge it. There has been backlash against the parental entitlement, because outside of bars and clubs adults without children must accept children or leave. I've been treated rudely just for asking not to sit near kids in a restaurant. Since almost all restaurants are now family restaurants, you go in there as an adult without kids and ask to sit away from children, you're treated like you made the same request at Chuck E Cheese.

I can understand there is a view that Disneyworld is for kids, and they should enjoy their vacation. I'm just tired in general how it's always parents first, and parents should be praised just for being a parent. I'm tired of being fearful of mentioning my condition, as in most cases it's seen as just being burdensome to parents. As if it's not real, or I just dislike kids. If there was the same respect from parents that they demand from everyone, towards others, people wouldn't be asking for child free flights and restaurants. The thing is if you ask a parent to please quiet their child, it is likely they will snap back, "Are you a parent?" then if you aren't, go off on you for judging them. Is it that hard to say sorry? Is it more important to protect one's ego as a parent, then to try to descalate a situation that could be confrontational and upsetting to their child? Wouldn't it be better, to teach their children people are different, and they might not always be able to tolerate the things others can? Why is it, everyone has to change, except the parents?

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Very well said. If all parents would teach their children about diversity and tolerance, we could put an end to racism, sexism, ethnocentrism, bullying, and every other kind of intolerance and bigotry. Sadly, though, some parents never learned those lessons themselves.

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Oh, btw, do you like ethnic food? Since many kids are picky eaters, ethnic restaurants seem to attract fewer families. Our local Thai place almost never has kids and is usually calm and quiet. Same with a local Korean restaurant that unfortunately went out of business. An Ethiopian restaurant I've visited in another town had an occasional child, but the kind of kids who will try that sort of food seem to be better behaved.

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Well I learned alot from being at Disneyworld. Like if yu give the parents a biggrin they'll feel you're approving of them. I find particularily the entitled parents, are of the same mind set as their small child, so you just have to keep smiling at themin hopes this will keep them from throwing an adult tantrum. It might be that I live in a relatively upper class suburb, which is the evironment entitle parents thrive in. Either way, I'm more at peace in knowing I'm not doing wrong. I'm just surrounded by entitle parents who think the world should stop for them.

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VioletYoshi wrote:
Well I learned alot from being at Disneyworld. Like if yu give the parents a biggrin they'll feel you're approving of them. I find particularily the entitled parents, are of the same mind set as their small child, so you just have to keep smiling at themin hopes this will keep them from throwing an adult tantrum. It might be that I live in a relatively upper class suburb, which is the evironment entitle parents thrive in. Either way, I'm more at peace in knowing I'm not doing wrong. I'm just surrounded by entitle parents who think the world should stop for them.

If you are learning that tone of voice, and non-verbal communication are incredibly powerful and that they can have as much impact as the actual words we utter, than you are definitely learning. The use of a smile to soften the words of an unwanted message is probably as old as language itself.

I hate that you feel fearful of revealing your condition. People ought not live in fear whether they have a neurological condition, a different sexual orientation or whatever.

The problem you face, at least as you have described it here, is that you are making extra demands on people that they only have to comply with voluntarily. I'm assume that you understand that for many children the noise and frenetic activity that accompanies an exciting activity is part of their enjoyment. To ask them to quiet down or conform to some other standard would encroach on their enjoyment. And that there are some children that wrestle with their own neurological issues that cause them to be very active and often quite loud.

But I'm not posting to rebuke you. You're dealing with these situations as if you simply need to stand up to the situation and it will resolve itself. History says that is about 100% false. Precisely because compliance with your needs is voluntary. (Just interview some Indians and they'll give you an earful)

So what to do? Use non-verbal cues, use practiced little speeches. The Japanese often surround any complaint or criticism with praise. I've tried it myself with great success. Smile, start by telling someone how cute their children are, then ask for a favor and close with how easy it would be for such obviously talented children. You may find that instead of escalation you'll get compliance.

The goal, at least for me, is to get what I want. What better way to get what you want, than to get other people to want to give it to you?

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I'm not fearful of revealing my condition, as other people are either ignorant or uncompassionate about it. It only takes being lectured at a few times, to learn it's just more troublesome to try and educate. As far as kids having possible neurological issues, I'm well aware. I'm also well aware that people can be understanding when a child has neurological issues, because it seems people believe Autism Spectrum issues are something one grows out of, or that adults should know how to deal with it. Probably due to Autism Speaks ads, portraying Autism Spectrum disorders as a disease not a difference.

I understand to kids the noise they make is part of their enjoyment, which is why it's selfish of parents to bring their children to a restaurant where they will have to go against their nature and be quiet. Of course, seeing as in most cases suggesting a parent can do wrong is forbidden, the parents are allowed to make their unreasonable demands at quiet restaurants. Nobody wants to risk losing family business, by telling parents they aren't welcome with kids, because the parents will turn it into an issue of child discrimination rather than being a big boy or girl, and realizing restaurants tend not to be an environment for small children to begin with.

So what we have now is a situation where adults are fighting back, against entitled parents thinking they should be able to drag their children everywhere they want to go. I think the problem is telling parents they should try to keep their kid quiet, because they know they're doing wrong by bringing their kid to a place where they need to be quiet. Instead of taking their kid to someplace they would enjoy, like Chuck E Cheese, the parents have pitched their tantrums to where now restaurants that declare themselves a family restaurant, treat adults who want quiet at a restaurant as unreasonable.

I live my life, having a condition that burdens parents with the task of actual parenting. To stop thinking of only themselves, and to consider what would beright for their kids. Restaurants who want to cater to adults aren't discriminating against children, they are saying they don't want to cater to entitled parents. These cowardly parents then hide behind their own kids, instead of realizing that having a child does not entitle you to behave as one. In fact I've seen children far more mature than these entitled parents. It's like these children have to cope with being raised by a childish parent. Why is our society supporting that? Why do we seem to have the lowest expectations of parents, and the highest amount of complaints from other countries, for having notoriously badly behaved children?

We need to stop treating entitled parents, like they're children. If they wish to behave like a 2 year old, then we should discipline them like 2 year olds. It's already starting, brave restaurant owners are teaching these entitled parents what the word "no" means, and to respect it.

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Wow I feel attacked now....we all have rights ...I have been debating on coming into this discussion and now I feel I have to. If I go eat somewhere I expect to encounter all sorts of people including those with children. Children have meltdowns for many reasons. That is how they express themselves. Unlike adults who are capable of expressing themselves verbally children let loose and asking them to quiet down just doesn't work. If you think you can tell a parent to tell their child to "behave" themselves while they are having a temper tantrum then you are mistaken. I work with children and have two of my own(they are grown up now).I also travel without children and sure it is annoying however Disney is the place for everyone and I mean everyone.BTW I have never ever been treated differently because I have no children with me in fact it has had benefits at some restaurants and rides. Oh and another btw it is not just parents who behave like two year olds!

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Yoshi

You said you were fearful, so I responded to it. If you're not fearful, I'm glad.

I'm going to make an observation. This isn't about getting what you want, or finding a happy place. It's about blaming parents and venting rage. Venting rage can be great if it helps you find calm. But it seems to me that when you vent it feeds your rage. I only contributed because you mentioned that you saw the power of a smile. I thought that perhaps you would see that you can get what you want with a smile instead of a scowl.

Since you don't seem interested in moving to a happy place, I'm going to check out. But I'll leave you with food for thought (cause I truly like to see people happy), How is blaming parental entitlement working for ya? (thanks Dr Phil). If its working for you and you're getting what you want and you're happy with how situations resolve themselves, I'd say stick with it. If its not working you might want to try something new. But that's just me, I like efficiency.

Good luck, my wish for you is that you find some peace and happiness on these issues.

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Hey everyone!

I've had a few people mention this thread to me and I just wanted to stop by and remind everyone about what we're doing here at WDW For Grownups:

http://www.wdwforgrownups.com/forum/what-board-about

I'm not saying anyone has done anything wrong or that there's anything wrong with this conversation, but it's getting a bit "heated" and possibly making some people uncomfortable. Moreover I think it's getting a bit off track so I'm just going to lock it down before anyone gets too frustrated.

Again I don't want anyone to feel like they did anything wrong, I just don't want to get to a point where someone does something wrong. Smile